How do we teach our kids? What is our go-to strategy?
Many parents talk. Many times, it becomes a lecture. Words are definitely one of the effective ways for teaching. But how about lectures? Parental lectures are usually unplanned, emotional (hidden or expressed), and lengthy because it was not planned. Consequently, lectures are boring, kids don’t seem to listen or care even, and the one-sided talk gets longer and the vicious cycle continues.
Let’s discuss a new way to teach, guide our kids, and demonstrate our values. It is our reactions. Our reactions implicitly express our values, are quick, and usually repetitive. Let me give you an example.
A child talks about a friend who was pressuring her to only play her ways. Deliberate reactions can be, “that is not nice,” “ugh that must have hurt your feelings,” “I wouldn’t like that either!”
These are simple but have a clear point without pushing to act in a certain way. Mom does not agree with what her friend did and it’s okay to feel that I don’t like what she is doing. Obviously, in some context and depending on age, more guidance and help may be necessary. However, our values are expressed. Pressuring someone else to make them follow your own way is not okay. Now the child feels comfortable with her own feelings and also to confront the situation with confidence because ‘mom agrees with me.’
Another example is when a child brings home a spelling test that was better than last time. Our reactions can be “wow, you have 2 more words correct than last time!” “I saw you working on it last night, it really paid off!” “Awesome! I didn’t even remind you once this week and look what YOU did!” These are simple but specific that it can make the child feel proud of not only the result but also the work that was put into. What else did we teach here? That we care about their hard work, their attitudes towards school and responsibility and we are proud of their progress. All in one sentence.
Slowly but surely, these small quick deliberate reactions will ingrain good feelings that come with practicing important life values such as being a good friend and living responsibly. On the other hand, it can create not great feelings when they do not practice those values. In the long run, this intrinsic motivation (good feelings) will keep these values with them even without us.
The simplicity and repetition of reactions are what make the impact. When it gets longer, it’s easier for the children to get disengaged especially with younger kids. It is also more convenient and less energy draining for both kids and parents compared to long talks or persuasive lectures.
Notably, catching the right time for right reaction is critical. Planning reactions can help with this. We can build our pools of reactions related to important values and use them whenever an opportunity arrives. We can think about various ways to cohesively phrase what we want to teach in one sentence. In this way, we make our reactions deliberate, and do not waste any opportunity with ineffective reactions.
We talked about patience in the last post. What would be a good reaction for when our children show patience?
“I am very impressed that you did not give up!”
“I know it wouldn’t be an easy decision to keep going but I support you 100%”
“Thanks for being patient with me, I feel very loved”
“Aww I know your brother crushed your castle last time and it is very nice of you to allow him to join you again! You gave him a second chance”
What are your examples?
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