Perspective taking sounds like an obvious social skill that is essential in any relationship including between parents and children. Being able to see from others’ perspective is a stepping stone for empathy, understanding, and acceptance and can go a long way in relationships. Who doesn’t like people who understand from my perspectives, validates my points and empathize with my feelings? As good parents, we want our children to feel safe around us. We want them to share what is going on, their thoughts and stances, and their feelings. They can only safely do that when they feel free of judgment and confusion.
The very first step would be to actually know our children at a deeper level. This is more difficult than many parents assume. Too many times, parents find themselves in their children, projecting own emotions, traumas, and past. Yes they so adorably take our traits but they are not us. They are their own beings, molded by God’s hand, living in a totally new world which is different from 30 years ago when we were growing up. They are exposed to different things, experience different environments, and are taught updated curriculum.
Understanding who they are, separate from who we are, is very helpful. Careful observation, finding patterns in their behaviours, and asking good questions are good ways to study our kids. We want to know when they are upset, what they are sensitive to, when they look uncomfortable, and the list goes on. This is especially important because children are not the best at clearly articulate their problems, feelings, or triggers. They might show their irritation and become sour to be around but they don’t necessarily know how to communicate important things. It would be my hope that parents can catch these moments and help them process their struggles.
There are two caveats. One is that we should not assume or pretend that we know where the kids are coming from. That would be the opposite of trying to see it from their lens and may have detrimental consequences on our relationship. Another is that understanding their perspectives does not mean accepting everything. We know why Peter denied Jesus three times and can empathize with his fear. This does not mean we accept his choice. Jesus still loved him, forgave him and gave him a second chance, but did not sugarcoat or dismiss what he had done. Likewise, the goal of perspective taking is to have children feel loved and supported and to better guide them in tough situations but not to be permissive about every choice they make.
Fortunately, practice takes us to mastery. Starting early can be tremendously helpful before children gets complicated. With newborns, we are already quite keen on catching signs without verbal communication. We just need to keep being sensitive to those non-verbal cues even when they talk too much. Becoming good parents undoubtedly takes hard work and long term commitment. Strong relationship with our children through their adult lives will be a great fruit that is worthy of all of today’s work.
Kommentare